Tonight is my last night in Morris.  Finally.

I'm staying in the Cities with my dad this summer... hopefully that will be a decent time. 

I'm not sure if I'll have internet access at home or not, it's not like I write in here very often anymore anyways.

I have another blog I use, but not many of the people I talk to know it, if you would like to know it ask me in an IM sometime or something.

Hope you all have a wonderful summer (and forever if I don't talk to you again).

Goodnight.

Haha.... if you were to guage my stress level on that little national security scale it would be orange, approaching red.

This is a week from hell, pretty much.  I had a presentation today, have a presentation tomorrow, midterm Wednesday, midterm Thursday. 

I've also been doing some searching for a job.  I really think I'll be fine if I can get an interview, but getting an interview is what proved to be tough last year.  I applied to 20 places last year and didn't get a single call for an interview.  I blame it on the fact that my parents never let me get a job before, so now I have no experience.  All I have to put on my applications is an unpaid internship from last summer, and a work study from last school year.  I know I'm responsible, a fast learner, a hard worker, and overall a good person to have around... I just need a chance to let them see that.  I've sent in two applications so far... would love to get those jobs, but I'm not hoping too much, since I know I have no experience.

And on top of all that.... I've gotten myself completely confused about what I want for next year.  I can no longer tell if I want to go away, because I feel like I'm destined to fail (which I know is a horrible attitude to have) and that if I was away and all by myself it would only be worse.  So maybe trying to get into the U and just put up with that?  At least then I'd still be close to people I care about?  Or maybe I should take time off and give myself more time to look into finding the right school, or at least a better school.  Or maybe I should just suck it up and go to Colorado State or Kansas and deal with the isolation if it so happens.  One of the main reasons I've become so pessimistic is because I think that I'm going to end up having to get an apartment off campus... which probably means living alone.  I think that will make it tons harder to make connections with people and get involved.  I don't know, I'm just really confused and freaked out about what I should be doing.

All of this put together has made it really hard for me to focus on getting anything done.  I have mini-breakdowns anytime I really start trying to figure out what I'm going to do next year.  I can't even figure out what I WANT let alone what's BEST for me.  Being completely unsure is one of the worst feelings ever.

I can't seem to stay satisfied for more than a week.

I'm having yet another breakdown.

I feel like I'll never be happy.  I'm acting depressed, much like I was last year towards the end of the school year... but that makes sense since I HATE where I am.  But what if it's not the school, what if it's not the situation, what if it's not where I am... but it's just me.  Maybe I'm just incapable of being happy. 

It's really scary to think about the possibility.  I don't want to make a decision about next year, I'm too scared that I'm just going to fuck it up.  I just want to fast forward til I can have everything I want in life. 

I just want to be happy... but how am I to know what will truly make me happy?  I know Pete does, but more and more I just want to be with him.  So how am I to know that maybe being apart from him is what's keeping me so unhappy.  I'd like to hope that's not the case, because I want to believe there's more to my life than him.  But sometimes I wonder.  Why is it too much to ask just to be happy?  I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night.